Trapped!
by Devil Woman
Summary: Ed and Al get captured and are thrown in a jail cell. Bring on the FMA Crack!
1. Trapped in a Jail Cell

Trapped!

by Devil Woman

DISCLAIMER: I do not own _Fullmetal Alchemist_. Square Enix and Hiromu Arakawa copyright it. I also do not own Towlie. Comedy Central copyrights him, along with _South Park _creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Author's Note: Please feel free to review after you have finished reading. Both positive and negative comments are accepted. I will not tolerate users and readers who feel they need to bash this following fan-fic since they have nothing better to do with their time than litter the review corner with mindless dribble.

Ed was fuming. Just when he and his brother Al where close to getting some more information about the Philosopher's Stone, they had to go and get thrown into jail. And the jail cell was the pits! It reeked of unpleasant smells and was damp from last night's brief rainstorm. Ed had his back against the wall, grumbling to himself. Al was on the floor, looking worried as usual. _Thank God he isn't complaining about the floor. _Ed thought to himself. "How are we going to get outta here?" Al quietly asked. His armor clanked gently as he shuffled his sitting position into that of an Indian chief. "I could use alchemy, but that would cave us in the jail cell." Ed said. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. The last time Ed used alchemy, the building nearly collapsed. The townsfolk almost stoned him to death. At least they let Ed repay the town by letting him fix it up. He still got a cartoon-ish bop on the head by some little old lady.

"You got any ideas, Al?" Ed asked. Al thought. He played with a lose string on his loincloth to help him think. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. "Homing pigeons!" "Pardon?" "Remember that interesting book about Military History?" Al asked his brother. "Yeah, so what's the deal with those feathered rats?" Ed replied. "Well brother, those 'feathered rats' where able to send messages back and forth to other camps. If we could get a bird to send out a message to the Colonel, then we can get outta this cell!" "Oh no, I'm not going to stoop that low!" Ed was dead set on it. "Ed, now's not the time to be picky. If we're going to escape from jail without the guards noticing us, the he's our only hope!" Al was determined to do so; Ed could tell. But why did his brother have to choose such a cheesy movie quote in order to get his point across? "Alright, let's do it. But don't expect me to kiss the Colonel's feet once he arrives." Ed said. "Great!" Al beamed. "First, we have to find a piece of paper and some sort of writing utensil."


	2. The Idea

Using a scrap of paper from Ed's journal and writing their message with Al's chalk, the note was complete. Ed read it back to see how it sounded. "Colonel Mustang: We are currently being held captive and are sitting in a jail cell. Please come and help us and have reinforcements! Fullmetal Alchemist." Ed looked unsure. "There's no way in hell Mustang's gonna believe this!" Al pouted. "You're just being stubborn!" "Give me that!" Ed snatched the chalk out of Al's hand. "I'll show you how to write a message that'll surely get that prick's attention." _Oh, good grief! _Al thought as he watched Ed snicker while he was busy writing a new message.

When he was done, Ed grinned proudly as he handed the message to Al, who read it back. "To the handsome Flame Alchemist: I am a single, hot young woman who is being held against her will in a smelly, dark and damp jail cell! I beg you, please come and help me and I'll reward you generously. PS: I am wearing a tight mini-skirt ;-)" Al just looked at Ed. He was grinning like the devil and holding back his laughter. "You gotta be kidding me?" "HaHaHa! That'll surely get his attention! Now, to find a pigeon." Ed said, eyeing the small window in the cell. It was being blocked by two bars, but had an excellent view of the town's courtyard. Using the wooden bed as a stool, Ed peered through and saw a flock of pigeons near the water fountain. They where picking at the breadcrumbs that someone had left awhile back.

"Hey you stupid birds! Get your asses over here!" Ed shouted. The birds ignored him in response. "What the heck's the matter with you! Get over and help me, you gutter birds, you!" The birds, apparently frightened by Ed's bantering, flew off. "Damn it Al, it's not working! How are we gonna use a homing pigeon if we can't get one to come over!" "Perhaps a bird call can help." Al suggested. "But we don't know any." "It's worth a shot, big brother." Ed nodded and cleared his throat.


	3. Bird Calling 101

What came out of Ed's throat was hardly even a bird-like sound. It was more like a grunt one would make if he were trying to call a pig over from the other side of the pigpen. Al stood in shock. "I think you just hit puberty." "Shut-up!" Ed snapped. His mood quickly changed when he saw a blue figure coming toward the window. "HA! My bird grunt worked!" Ed exclaimed. But then Ed turned back to see the blue figure, he displayed a face that was a mixture of disappointment and confusion. It was blue all right, but it certainly wasn't a bird. In fact, it wasn't even an animal! It was a blue towel with huge eyes and a set of stick arms and legs. "What in the--!" Ed started to say. "Don't forget to bring a towel!" the creature replied.

"What is it?" Al asked and peered out into the open and saw the towel creature. "WHOA!" Al nearly bolted away from the window, taking Ed with him. "What is that, a chimera!" "No, it's a towel…that is somehow alive." Ed said, still in disbelief about the exact state of the object in question. "You two look like you're in need of my services. You need some towels, since that jail cell is wet an 'all." "What! No, we don't need any towels!" Ed told the towel. "We need to send a message to Colonel Mustang. Can you do that for us?" "Oh." the towel said. He shuffled his feet as he stood in silence as Ed was growing impatient for the creature's answer. "You wanna get high?" it finally replied. "Huh!" Al said with puzzlement. "No, we don't wanna get high, you goddamn towel! Get the hell outta here!" Ed angrily shouted. "OK." the towel said and left.

The brothers looked at each other, not knowing what to say. "Man, that was weird." "Yeah." More silence followed. "I don't think he belonged here." Al said, breaking the pervious stillness. "Same here. Now, you try to perform a bird call if you're so smart!" Ed said, quickly changing the subject matter. "Fine." At least Al's try at a birdcall wasn't a grunt. Ed unwearyingly waited to see if it had done the trick. After a few minutes, Ed couldn't help but laugh. "HA! No birds! At least mine actually brought something over!" "And it wanted to get high. That's a real keeper." Al sarcastically said. Ed showed displeasure at his brother's response. But Al's attention was distracted by an alley cat that had just entered the courtyard. It must have heard Al's birdcall, since it was eagerly looking for the bird it had just heard.

"Here, Kitty-kitty." he called to the cat. It immediately came over to the window and poked its head in. Al began to gently pat the cat's head as it started to purr in response. "Al, how many times do I gotta tell you: No more cats." Ed began to say, but an idea sprung forth. "I got it!" He explained to Al that the cat could deliver the message to the Colonel. Hey, it was better than nothing! Al had gently tied the note around the cat's neck using a torn strip of Ed's handkerchief. "I hope you know what your doing." Ed said as Al bid the cat good-bye. "Trust me, I have a way with cats." _Like freakin' Dr, Doolittle does with all the animals. _Ed said to himself.


	4. The Message

Meanwhile, back at the base, Roy Mustang was stuck doing the one thing he hated the most in the world (other than not being able to get all the female personal to wear mini-skirts): Paperwork. As he grumbled over the newest form, Havoc entered his office. He was carrying more paperwork. "Oh, for the love of all things good and just…" Roy began to say. "I know, just shut-up and do it before Riza comes in and yells at us again." Havoc said and let the tower of paper land on the desk with a loud THUD. Roy sighed. He started to shake the strain out of his hand. "I hope I don't get a cramp." "Better than a gun pointed to your head." Havoc mentioned. Both men shuttered. "We gotta go out for drinks tonight after work." "Amen to that idea!" "You know any good bars in town, Havoc?" Roy asked. "Yeah, there's one called--TOAST!"

Havoc has just been hit in the head by something that whizzed by the both of them. Roy looked over his shoulder and noticed that the window was broken. Whatever it was, the object had made a good-sized hole (to which Riza would not to be too pleased to see) and caused Havoc to fall flat on his back. "What the--!" "That's Wiggity-Wiggity-Wack!" someone replied. Roy turned toward the door and saw that it was Hughes. "Hughes, you know that you're a dork, right?" "Yeah, well, you gotta love me for it. But what in the heck smacked Havoc in the noggin?" With the help of Hughes, Roy looked to see if the object had landed anywhere in the room. They both discovered a small alley cat, dressed like a World War I fighter pilot.

"Why is that cat dressed like The Red Baron?" Hughes asked. A note was attached to the cat via the collar around its neck. "Meow!" the cat replied as it shook the note off it's body. It fell near Roy's feet. "And why does it have a note?" Roy asked as he eyed the paper on the floor. The cat went toward Havoc, who was still on his back. He seemed OK, if not a little dizzy from being hit in the head. "A cat!" Havoc said as he sat up and looked at the animal. The cat stared at him for a moment before it slapped Havoc in the head once more. "D'OH!" he grunted in pain as the cat jumped out of the window. "OK…" Roy and Hughes muttered. "Tell me what just happened." Havoc asked. "Well, apparently a cat dressed like a WWI fighter pilot flew into the room via my window, hitting you in the head that caused you to collapse on the floor." "And I happened to say an old-school catch phrase that captured the moment!" Hughes added. "You've got a bad habit of doing that, you big dork!" Havoc told him. "But I'm a loveable dork." Hughes said with a wide smile.

"Well, let's see what the kamikaze cat brought us." Roy said and picked up the note that was at his feet. He read it to himself and paused after finishing it. He had a lovesick grin across his face. "Uh, oh." both Havoc and Hughes said. This could only mean one thing: A woman was involved (and she was mostly likely wearing a mini-skirt). "Finally, a mission that worth it!" Roy cried in glee. "Come on, men! We've got a woman to save!" Roy bounded out the door, dropping the note along the way. It floated on top of Havoc's head. Hughes picked it up and read it as Havoc got off the floor. "Should I tell him?" he said, showing Havoc the note. "Naw, let the fun begin!" Havoc commented.


	5. The Rescue

The brothers where now waiting patiently for the Colonel to come. Both of them grew bored within a matter of minutes. Al started to fidget, to which Ed tried to ignore. "Please?" he asked. "No" Ed told Al. "But I haven't done so in a long time." Al said. "I said no" Ed repeated. But when Al made those sickeningly sweet puppy-dog eyes, Ed finally gave in. "Fine, knock yourself out." Al squealed with joy. He then started singing show tunes, much to Ed's discontent. While it wasn't Al's singing voice that annoyed Ed (he himself couldn't carry a tune to save his life), it was the fact that Al had to overkill _The Sound of Music_. Ed dug around in his coat pocket and found his earplugs. Upon playing them in, he relaxed as Al was caught up in the moment of the classic Broadway show.

When Roy arrived with Riza, Armstrong and Havoc, they managed to get past the guards with no problems. "Now where in the name is the jail?" Havoc asked. The group had gotten lost while trying to find it. Roy's ears perked. He'd picked up the faint sound of someone singing. He quieted everyone and listened more carefully. "This way!" he called and everyone followed. As they grew closure, the singing got louder and clearer. "_The Sound of Music_" Riza commented. "And it's 'My Favorite Things'." "What beauty! Whoever is singing this song is making Julie Andrews proud!" Armstrong said. He was so touched that those pink sparkles appeared once again. _Is that normal? _Havoc asked himself, referring to the sparkles as the group turned a corner. They came to the door that was marked "Jail Cells". Roy paused and smiled like a love-struck schoolboy. "I'm here to save you, my love!" Roy called out to the voice singing. He pushed the door open and bounded inside…

But to Roy's horror it wasn't the girl of his dreams. He stood dumbstruck as everyone filed into the room. "What in the--!" was all that came out of Roy's mouth. Al was sitting on the cell floor, rocking back and forth with glee. He was the one who was singing! Havoc put an arm around Roy's shoulders, chuckling softly. "Yup, you bagged yourself a real good-looker there, buddy." "But…but…but…" stammered Roy. Al stopped singing and saw Roy and the gang. "It worked!" Ed nodded and pulled out his earplugs. "And the look on Roy's face is priceless." "My dear Alphonse!" Armstrong cried. "you have the voice of an angelic choir boy! The talent of singing so sweetly is a well-respected tradition of the Armstrong family and I give you my full praise!" And the shirt came flying off. "Uh, thank you for your compliments, Mr. Armstrong." Al said, a little uneasy about the situation.

"Huh…?" Roy was still dumbfounded. "Look, we made up the whole thing about the girl so you could get your ass here and help us." Ed explained "And I'm not apologetic about the whole thing, either." "Why you little--!" Roy quickly became enraged and was about to pummel poor Ed when Riza pointed her gun at him. "You can deal with Edward later. Stand back." Roy quickly did as he was told and Riza aimed her gun at the cell's lock. After quickly blasting it off, the group, now with Ed and Al in tow, they left the scene.

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"That Fullmetal's a pain in the ass!" Roy shouted. It had been a week since the incident and Roy still hadn't gotten over Ed's prank. "I really wanted to see a girl in a mini-skirt and not complain!" "Aw, cheer up!" Havoc said. "You'll get your wish someday." "Really?" Roy asked hopefully. "Ehh…" Havoc muttered. Roy then shot him a dirty look. "Well, at least you still got your pride." "You got served, BYOCH!" Hughes popped into the office. "Would you just shut-up! You've been telling me that for the past week! It's annoying!" Roy yelled at Hughes. "Yeah, and Roy wasn't even in a dance contest." Havoc added. "I know, but it's so much fun to say!" Hughes said and made his way out of the office.

_And that's not all! Check out the Character's Afterwards!_


	6. The Characters' Afterwards

Afterward 

"And the moral of the story is…don't let your brother sing show tunes!" Ed proudly exclaimed. "But Ed!" "Al, just don't do that anymore."

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After, Afterward 

"Hey, I just realized something." "What Roy?" asked Havoc. "Hughes didn't even show us any of his damn photos of his kids in this fan-fic." "Your right! Let's celebrate!" "Oh, I forgot to show you my slideshow of Elysa from her school play!" Hughes appeared with a sliding projector reel. "Can this get any worse?" Suddenly, that mysterious talking blue towel appeared once more. "Don't forget to bring a towel!" "What in the hell is that thing?" Roy asked, pointing to the towel. "Beats me." Havoc said, lighting up a cigarette. "You getting high? Can I join you?" the towel asked. Hughes, Havoc, and Roy stood in shock. "No! Beat it!" the three of them shouted to the towel. "OK." said the towel and left. "Ready to see my little princess in her oh-so-cute costume?" Hughes asked, holding up the reel. "Hey, towel-creature! I'm going with you!" "Me too!" As Roy and Havoc followed the towel, Hughes rushed after them, carrying his projector reel with him.

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Yet Another Afterward 

"Man, this fan-fic is screwed up." Riza said. "Indeed!" Armstrong added.


End file.
